Being Joyful Always

Dilemma

2012-01-25T08:58:00.000-08:00

As you know, we are moving back to Texas after spending the past five+ years being at three different duty stations. During the past five+ years, I haven't been involved in any drama and I haven't made it to very many extended family functions. I know this is going to sound awful, but I have been ok with that.

Before we moved one of our last pieces of mail was from my younger cousin. It was an invitation to her son's 1st birthday in Dallas. As soon as I opened the mail I knew that this little piece of paper was going to cause me some heartbreak.

I get it. I get how bad that sounds.

I couldn't help it, I immediantly started crying. First off, I have hung out with the cousin before and I have never been introduced to her son. Her older sister also had a son (a few months after her) and I haven't been introduced to her son either. And I have been to a family function since they have had their kids - a funeral counts, right?

I talked to Matt about the party. I told him I didn't want to go but that I also felt like my Mom would be highly dissapointed in me if I didn't and that it would hurt my Aunt (my Mom's sister, my cousin's Mom). We even talked about making plans to go visit my Grandparents that weekend.

Last night, my Mom called me and wanted to know when we were going to be back in town. I told her the date and I knew where the conversation was going to go from there. My Mom said it was perfect because that coming up weekend was my cousin's son's first birthday and then the next day was a baby shower for another cousin (all in the same immediate family). I haven't even been invited to the baby shower. Hell, this was the first time I have even heard about the baby shower. This cousin hasn't even annouced that she is pregnant to me and she is due in less than 10 weeks.

I told my Mom about our plans to go visit my Grandparents - even that didn't sway her. She said that I could do both. I could go to the birthday party on Saturday, drive up to see my Grandparents and stay the night, then drive back to Dallas for the baby shower.

I wish my Mom could understand how difficult it is for me to be around babies - especially since everyone who is attending these parties either have kids or is pregnant with the exception of me and my sisters.

Sign me up, please. Exactly how I wanted to spend my first weekend back in Texas.

IComLeavWe January 2012

2012-01-24T16:51:00.000-08:00

Wow. Has it really been over two weeks since I blogged? Funny, it doesn't seem like it was that long ago.
So much has happened during that time. And before anyone asks, no ... our birth mother (I should really quit saying "our" at some point) has not changed her mind. She is still parenting her child and has started to have some communication with her family. She also has been going to her doctor appointments as well and so far both she and the baby are healthy.

During the past two + weeks we have had the movers come out and pack up our entire lives and load it onto an 18 wheeler which is now bound for Texas. We have cleaned and been checked out of our apartment with only some small fines for a broken blind and an oven that needed to be cleaned. I tried to clean it, but seriously? Who ever gets their oven spotless - except for my Mom?

We are currently staying with some friends (our birth mother's older step sister and her boyfriend) while Matt finished up his ETS and started the physicals and paperwork for disability. We are set to leave South Carolina this weekend after we pick up his paperwork to take to the VA.

So far 2012 hasn't turned out the way we thought it would ... hell, 2011 didn't end the way we thought it would either. I am so ready for a change. I am hoping that our change in locale will lead about to some major life changes as well. Lord knows we need it.

Overwhelmed

2012-01-07T16:32:00.000-08:00

I have a million things I should be doing, but I don't even know where to start.

The movers will be here to pack up our apartment on the 17th of this month. We will clean our apartment on the 18th and then on the 19th we will make our journey back to Texas for good.

When we first moved in here we had every intention of going through our boxes (and trust me, we have a lot) and getting rid of the stuff we don't need/want/use. Our initial plan was to do a box every couple of weeks and then by the time Matt ETS'ed out of the Army we would be done. Right. Clearly that never happened.

So right now, I am sitting in a living room which has exactly two things packed up: my shoes (I have no idea why I started with this considering I really only wear two pairs on a regular basis) and our pack and play we bought for our Maybe Baby.

Blah ... I will definitely have a busy week this week.

Back

2012-01-03T00:30:00.000-08:00

View Larger Map

Resolutions

2012-01-01T15:49:00.000-08:00

Every year I make resolutions ... and inevitably, every year I break them. I am hoping that by physically writing down what I want to accomplish and posting it somewhere where I can see everyday that this will reinforce my habits.

1. I want to be healthier which means:
2. Exercise more
A) 3 times/week for 30 minutes and then increase both amounts every other week.
B) Take Roxy (our fur-child) on at least 1 walk a day for 15 minutes and then increase time.
3. Eat better which means:
A) Cut the carbs.
B) And the sweet tea ... damn you, why do you have to taste so good?!?!
C) And the cheese. Ugh.
4. By doing the above food changes I will be more able to take my required dosage of Metformin.
5. Speaking of Metformin (I hate you!), I have 3 other prescriptions I need to start taking on a regular basis.
A) As in everyday. Not just when I feel like it, etc.
6. I want to spend less time on facebook and start crafting more.
7. I want to read the Bible cover to cover.

This is good for now ... what resolutions did you all make?

New Year's Eve

2011-12-31T10:53:00.000-08:00

Dear 2011 -

I have made some great new friends and I have lost contact with others.

I moved from our home of the past three years (Atlanta, Georgia) to a temporary home of Columbia, South Carolina for ten months.

For six glorious months I felt like I had God's blessing all over us when we were presented with an adoption that seemed to be crafted by Him and no other. During that time, I had hope. Hope. That was honestly something that I had forgotten existed. 17 days ago that ended.

Maybe the most important thing I have learned from this year is that I have grown. For the past three years I have not been able to really be happy for anyone (people I know and loved and complete strangers) if they were pregnant, gave birth, or had children. The day after our adoption fell through, my best friend from college gave birth to her first child - a beautiful little girl - and I was happy for her, her husband, and her little bit of Heaven. I am sure part of my being happy for them is because they overcame a struggle with infertility as well. But just the fact that I was able to be happy even when my world was falling apart made me feel good.

Please let your sister, 2012, be kinder to me ... to us. Please let us finally become a family of three - through adoption or getting pregnant, whatever. Just give us some direction.

We could really use the break.

Thanks,

Susan and Matt

34

2011-12-26T23:32:00.000-08:00

34.

That is how old I am.

One more year until I am considered "Advanced Maternal Age".

Seriously? How did this happen?

We were supposed to go out to dinner tonight with my family and my best friend from high school and her husband. Instead, Matt got sick because he ate too much at lunch and my youngest sister had to pull a double at her job so we just cancelled the evening.

My best friend, A and her husband still came up to our neck of the woods so I went out to eat with them and then proceeded to go to a bar where we were officially the oldest people there. That made me feel even better about turning the big 3-4.

On a brighter note, Matt got me a Northface Jacket for my birthday that I have been drooling over since I saw it. On the negative side, I never tried on the said jacket so it clearly doesn't fit since I am overweight and my boobs are out of control right now. Incentive to lose weight, right?

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T18:09:00.000-08:00

I only had a minor meltdown today ...

My youngest sister wound up getting me baby items for my Christmas presents. I knew this already and thought that I would be ok with opening them (she tried to hide them from me). Instead, I told her it would be alright and then she told me to think of them as Faith gifts.

Faith. That is something I am clearly lacking these days.

I reached for the big blue bag (clever Ama.zon packing) and pulled out a boppy and a diaper caddy. I started crying right then and there. I guess that is somewhat normal behavior, right? I mean, our failed adoption only happened 10 days ago.

Other then that, Christmas was good ... we had brunch at the location where Matt and I had our wedding reception. Santa was pretty good to me (iPad 2 and a sewing machine) and all the other gifts were great as well.

The one thing I liked best? Being surrounded by family right when I needed them the most ...

I hope your Christmases were just as special and filled with love.

Home

2011-12-23T14:53:00.000-08:00

View Larger Map

Mantra

2011-12-22T08:09:00.000-08:00

Let your faith be bigger than your fear.

My old high school teacher just posted that status on her facebook page and it struck a chord with me.

I am so tired of all of this doubt, fear, and negativity running around in my head.

What if I can't lose this weight? What if I lose the weight and still can't get pregnant? What if our IVF doesn't work? What if I never get the chance to be a Mom here on Earth?

These are just some of the thoughts that are on loop in my head 24/7. I am so over being ~~fat~~ obese. I have decided that the above quote is going to be my mantra for the upcoming year.

We are going home to Houston in a few days - and in about a month we will be moving back to Houston for good since Matt is getting out of the Army. While we are home I am going to go check out my old gym I used to go. While Matt was deployed in 2007-2008 I joined this gym and wound up losing over 40 pounds. Needless to say, that weight has since been gained back and then some thanks to my very unhealthy food obsession and lack of exercise. To say I loved this gym would be an understatement. My old gym is what I compare all of other MMA gyms we have joined since moving around all over the country.

I am hoping that this gym is still what I remember and love and if it is, I am going to join it and make my dreams and hopes of losing this weight my reality.

2012 will be MY/OUR year. I am going to work my ass off to make sure it happens.

IComLeavWe December 2011

2011-12-21T07:05:00.000-08:00

If you are here from IComLeavWe, welcome! You have unfortunately caught me at a rough point in my life. Just last Thursday, my husband and I found out that we can now add Failed Adoption to our growing resume when it comes to our struggles of trying to become a family of three.

Winning!

Anyway, you can check out our TTC Journey ---> here.

You can also check out our now failed Adoption Journey --->here.

I would love it if you follow me and please comment away; although, if you are a hater you can turn around and leave. :)

I promise you will see some huge changes in me in 2012. I am going to make this coming up year my b****.

I feel the love.

2011-12-20T20:55:00.000-08:00

I first off want to say thank you so much to Jenn at Got Love, Been Married, Where the Hell's the Baby Carriage?. She was one of the first people to comment about our failed adoption and even put up a super sweet note on her page for her wonderful readers to come and love on me. I so appreciate all the outpouring of love, prayers, and good thoughts that you all are leaving on my page.

I also want to thank whomever submitted my information to LFCA. We have some incredible resources out there and I just really appreciate all of you.

I even got some new followers! 50, whoohoo! I know that is nowhere near the amount that some other infertility/adoption/etc. blogs have but I am working on it.

Thank you so much, everyone, for being the much needed love and highlight of my days this past week.

To make matters worse

2011-12-20T16:35:00.000-08:00

I have a very close friend, J.

We made plans to drive up north (a good 10 hours) to drop off her son to her ex-husband on New Year's Day. Needless to say, this was all decided before we found out our birth mother had backed out of our adoption on Thursday night.

Matt spoke to J on Thursday night and explained that I wasn't ready to talk on the phone, that I was too upset. She sent me a text message saying that she would understand if I didn't want to talk but that she was there when I did feel up to it.

Friday, after Matt had gotten his last minute leave approved, he texted J and told her that with everything that happened that we had decided to go home and be near our family for Christmas, my birthday, and NYE. Makes sense, right?

J's response:

Really

From that night on until yesterday, J ignored our text messages and phone calls. She finally responded to Matt's texts and explained that she thought "we were better friends than that" to have heard about us leaving via a text message.

Are you kidding me?!?!?!

What kind of a friend gets upset if I tell her something via a text message or a phone call?

I mean, clearly, I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone for those first few days. I didn't even talk to my other two best friends (one of whom went into labor that very night). They understood. They didn't question my motives with texting versus calling. They just wanted me to know that they were there. One of them (not the pregnant one) offered to fly out the next day to be with us, or offered to pay for our airfare home or cover the cost of gas. That is what true friends do.

And J, who lives 3 hours away (not half the country!) didn't offer to do any of that.

I wound up sending J an e-mail the night before last. I basically wrote that she should know in her heart that she is one of my best friends. I dropped everything when they PCSed from Germany to Georgia. I stayed with them for a week at a time, twice. Once to show them around the area and find them housing and the other time to help them unpack when all of their household goods arrived. I drove to and from Georgia to up north to pick up her son and return him - 2 trips round way - within a time span of 6 days. I told her I didn't understand why I had to justify my not calling.

Did my going home inconvenience her? Yes, it did - I mean who was going to share the drive to up north now. For that I told her I was sorry. But come on, really?

She shouldn't make me feel bad for wanting to be with my family when my whole world just got turned upside down. And that is exactly how she made me feel.

I texted her yesterday (because she ignored all my phone calls - like straight to voicemail ignored) and then she would text back. I explained to her that I didn't want to have this conversation via a text message. She replied back with, "Yet you told me you were going home in one."

I tried to explain as best as I could my position, where I was coming from, but with texts that is next to impossible.

She has since ignored my attempts at getting in touch with her.

My Mom has a saying, "Be wary of the friends you have to explain yourself too."

I guess she was right.

Haters

2011-12-19T14:46:00.000-08:00

Wow ... I have only been blogging for a little over two weeks and I already have had my first hateful, spiteful comment. Thank you so very much clockswitharms (https://openid.aol.com/opaque/7af52eba-6af0-11e0-9898-000bcdca4d7a).

Yes, I am aware that the link doesn't work.

Convenient.

Here is what the person with no heart said:

she has that right, you know. it isnt YOUR baby until she signs her rights over. i think it would be wonderful if her family and her boyfriends family helped her keep her child. adoption isnt about finding people a baby..its about finding a baby without parents a home. quit being so selfish and move on.

Yes. I am well aware of how the adoption process works. I completely understand that even though I viewed her child as my soon to be son that until all of the paperwork had been signed, and the courts declared that he was legally mine that HE was still hers. I get that.

And who wouldn't love having a dad who is old enough to be considered for the statutory rape laws in South Carolina as a father? If he even is the father. Oh and lets not mention the fact that she is 15, 14 when she got pregnant. There is a huge difference being birthing a child and being a mom.

And while it would be wonderful if her family was supportive of this pregnancy and the son she is going to bring into this world, THEY AREN'T. The only person supportive of it is her boyfriend and his mom.

As for your ignorant comment about how adoption isn't for finding people a baby ... ummm, really? Isn't that why so many people from all over the world adopt? Because they want to find a baby? And what about adoption is for finding babies without parents a home? Every child in this world has a parent otherwise he/she would not have been created. It is up to the parent to ultimately become a dad or a mom or realize that what you want might not be best for what the child needs. Being a parent is about making the ultimate sacrifice and not being selfish.

You entire comment (which I deleted) just shows how unintelligent you really are.

And instead of telling people how they should feel (telling them to quit being selfish and get over it) ... you should learn some manners and have some compassion. I won't even tell you what my husband said about you when I read him your nonsense.

So hoping this is true

2011-12-18T22:58:00.000-08:00

Source: Uploaded by user via Vanessa on Pinterest

Dates

2011-12-18T12:42:00.000-08:00

I have dates - dates that I recognize in my head every year but can't be put on a calendar.

2/14/09

The day I got pregnant.

3/24/09

The day we told our parents and siblings - I know, early, but after a year of trying we were excited.

3/31/09

The day I was rushed into emergency surgery.

11/4/09

The EDD of our baby.

12/15/11

The day my world crashed down with our failed adoption.

2/14/12

The EDD of our adopted baby.

Needless to say, Valentine's Day isn't one of my favorite days of celebration and I can't imagine ever liking that day.

This time of the year though is my favorite. It always has been. I love the fall and winter. I love the celebration of Christmas - that includes Jesus and Santa. I love the Christmas lights. I love the cheerfulness of everyone. I love listening to Christmas music before Thanksgiving. I love that my birthday falls during this time. I love the Christmas shows (25 days of Christmas anyone?).

I am afraid that this experience has ruined this time of year for me.

I have spent the past six months going through every day/week/holiday saying, "This will be my last time celebrating this day/week/year as not being a Mom."

Now I have to readjust that saying to the unknown ... again. I just want to be Mom. And I want this time of the year to not be forever scarred to me.

Empty

2011-12-17T15:54:00.000-08:00

That is exactly how I feel right now.

We have spent the past two days getting phone calls, text messages, and face.book messages from all of our friends and family. I know we will survive this I just don't know how.

Haven't we already been through so much - ectopic pregnancy, infertility issues with both of us (Me: PCOS, estrogen dominance, insulin resistant, thyroid issues. Matt: low everything when it comes to the sperm count), and now we can add a failed adoption to our list? Thanks. I think I am done now.

Matt is getting out of the Army and we were originally planning on staying in South Carolina until just after the baby was born. But now? Now we are trying to get out of South Carolina as fast as we can - which will still be mid to end January ... as soon as he can get done with his ETS.

Leaving the Army will be a huge adjustment for both of us, but especially for Matt. The Army has been the only thing he has known for the past 10+ years. It always hasn't been rosy when dealing with the Army, but we have been so very blessed with Matt's work the past four years. When we had the ectopic pregnancy, Matt's higher up demanded that he leave work and not come in for a week. No leave was taken - just call in everyday and update them with the situation. And Friday, when Matt went into work and explained what happened with the failed adoption they immediately told him to go back home. They even approved some last minute leave so that we could drive to Texas for Christmas/my birthday/NYE. They have gone above and beyond for us and for that we are eternally thankful.

I'm not strong enough.

2011-12-16T22:55:00.000-08:00

How it all ended

2011-12-16T10:18:00.000-08:00

It would figure.

Right when I decide that I am going to get serious about blogging and actually do it, I mean I updated my background and added pages and everything, that my world would come crashing down on me.

Last night, our dreams of becoming a parent to a little boy due on Valentine's Day ended.

Our birth mom (BM), who is 15, told her parents that she was going to parent this baby.

Her parents and her older sister that we are friends with (she is my age, her boyfriend is Matt's age) pleaded on our account. They explained to her how she had been dishonest and deceitful and manipulative. Our BM's reply? She didn't care. They asked her how she could let this have gone on for so long? I mean, we have been involved with this pregnancy since her 1ST MONTH. She told her parents that she never once agreed to this adoption. Lies. Every single time I saw this girl she always referred to the baby growing in her as "your baby," "your son," etc. She even told me that she didn't want for us to introduce the baby to her until he was like 5 years old. She never once even acted like she was remotely interested in the pregnancy or the baby.

She told her parents that her current boyfriend of 2 months is the baby's father (even though she is 7 months pregnant) and that she has been lying to us the entire time about who the dad is - she previously told us it was another boy and has stuck to the story all along up until last night. We all believe this to be a lie, that maybe she doesn't even know who the baby's father is.

Her dad called the boyfriends house to speak to him, to plead our case as well. The boyfriends mom got on the phone and he told her how involved we are, how there are already attorneys involved on both sides, how we already have a name picked out, how we have bought toys, clothes, diapers. Her response was, "We don't believe in abortion or adoption. We will care for the baby." He said if that was the route they were going then he would press charges on her son (he is much older than our BM). She replied with, "Go ahead, you don't have the money for the charges anyway," and hung up.

They are all since avoiding our phone call with the exception of BM's sister and her boyfriend and they just called us to tell that our BM ran away last night and they have no idea where she is. Cleaned her room out and is gone. They have reported her missing to the police but for right now she is just another runaway.

A 15 year old runaway pregnant with a baby ... a baby that we prayed over, prayed for, and thought was going to be our chance at being a family of three. I feel like such a fool.

Its over

2011-12-15T16:18:00.000-08:00

The adoption is over. I am praying that it is just for right now and not for forever.

How it all began

2011-12-14T18:02:00.000-08:00

God works in mysterious ways. I really do believe that - and I believe that our Maybe Baby is proof of that.

While we were still living in Atlanta I joined a group on Face.book for military spouses. A few of the spouses from the area that we were moving to friended me from their personal accounts so that I would know some people in the area.

One of these women posted on the military spouse group page that she needed prayers because she had just found out that her 15 year old step-daughter was pregnant. I sent her a message saying that of course I would say prayers for her, her family, her daughter and the baby. We started to message back and forth and from there our conversation progressed to her telling me that her daughter has already decided to place the baby for adoption. I immediately expressed an interest in this. We decided to meet up so that we could get to know each other.

After this meeting I came home and prayed and I felt like I had a sign from God that this might work out. A few years ago when I was attending a Christian conference a woman prayed over me and wrote down a vision that she saw with regards to me. She asked me to read what she wrote later on so I randomly stuck her note in my Bible. Later on that night, when I was alone, I found her note in my Bible. Her note said that I would be a Mom. My womb was open. It wouldn't happen in my time, but in God's and that I needed to persevere until then. After my tears were gone, I looked to see where I had stuck the note and I had placed it in Luke (one of the names I have picked out for our son) and the verse my note was next to was Luke 18:15-17 - where Jesus is blessing the children.

I always took that note and the scripture verses as a sign that one day, someway, somehow, I was going to be a Mom.

My scripture of the day on the day that I first meet our birth mother's step-Mom was that very same scripture in Luke.

After our initial meeting we were invited out to her house to meet the rest of the family. That meeting we got to meet B - the birth mother. She is such a cute girl and physically she and Matt look somewhat alike. We left the house feeling so optimistic. They really liked us - this might be our chance at becoming parents!

During the months of July and August we spent more time with the family and have had several phone calls back and forth. One phone call was them telling us that we were officially the family that they are picking. They really liked us and could see how passionate we are about becoming parents. They told us to start looking for a lawyer so we could get the ball rolling.

Since then, we have been in contact with an adoption attorney and for the most part completed our home study (~~just waiting on the revisions~~). I really do feel so blessed ... I just pray that this is our Maybe Baby to take home to be our Forever Baby.

**EDITED**

Scratch the home study comment ... I guess we are a dollar late and literally a day short. :(

Our Maybe Baby

2011-12-12T07:29:00.000-08:00

I don't really know where to begin this post. Our journey to make a family of three has been a long and complicated one. You can check out our TTC Journey page here and our Adoption Journey page here. We are hoping and praying that our first part of this journey will bring us to our Forever Baby in mid February.

As we get closer to our birth mother's EDD (only 61 more days to go!), I just want to make sure that we have a recording of this, of everything that we are feeling and experiencing right now.

I know I haven't done a lot of blogging on this subject (I mean, I have ... they have all just been in my head) - I really wanted to try and guard my heart and privacy for a bit. So many things could have changed and if we are being realistic, still could change. But I want to put it all out here now.

Sick & Tired

2011-12-10T17:20:00.000-08:00

First off, does everyone else immediantly start singing the song by this title from Cross Canadian Ragweed? No? Just me? Ok ...

If I am being honest, I have started this blog over so many times that I can't keep count anymore. I hate that I am not being consistent with it, or with anything in my life for that matter.

I could use the excuse that I had a job that I loved, but left me utterly exhausted when I got home from working 10-12 hour days Monday-Friday our last 5 months in Atlanta. I could use the excuse that we have since moved to a new town, a new state. I could use the excuse that I don't know anyone where we live that doesn't work like me. I could use the excuse that I am now officially the last one of my best friends to have a membership to the ever exclusive (and elusive) Mommy club. But, those excuses? They are just that ... excuses. And lately, I have been full of them.

For years now I have been trying to lose weight. I am not talking about a little weight either at this point. I am talking about a whole lot of weight. The Biggest Loser kind of weight. I have been somewhat successful a few times. I say somewhat, because a monkey wrench gets thrown in my life and when that happens I lose all motivation, faith, everything.

At my highest weight (summer 2009) I weighed 285 pounds. God, that hurts to write. I busted my behind during 2010 and got down to my lowest weight in 4 years, 230 pounds.

And now, today, I am way over that. I woke up this morning to the scale reading 277.6 pounds.

I hate it.

I hate that I feel so uncomfortable in regular clothes. I hate that I am not confident. I hate that I feel like people are constantly judging me because of how I look. I hate that right now, I apparently love food more than I love myself and our chance of having future children.

I have a gift ... an amazing gift ... I need to get my butt in gear.

Being Joyful Always (Part 2)

2011-12-06T17:08:00.000-08:00

The last portion of the conference was a question and answer session. I had written a note at the start of the day, before my breakthrough. Here is what it said:

"I do not know how to move on from where I am now. I was told I have 1-3% chance of ever getting pregnant on my own. My husband and I want nothing more than to be parents. Our options are fertility treatments, which have failed so far or adoption which costs a lot of money that we do not have. I don't know what to do and I don't know how to not be bitter at pregnant women, at strangers, friends and family. I need help. I hate who I have become."

I wasn't even sure if she would read my letter since it didn't really ask a question pertaining to her, this particular conference, etc. But she did read it. And she responded to me through the crowd. She spoke about several examples in the Bible that deal with this: Sarah, Rebekah, and Hannah.

Samuel 1:10
In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD. And she made a vow, saying, "O LORD Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head." As she kept on praying to the LORD, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk and said to her, "How long will you keep on getting drunk? Get rid of your wine." "Not so, my lord," Hannah replied, "I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the LORD. 16 Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief."

She said that God in His own time did provide for Hannah. She then said that if God never takes my desire then He will provide it for me in some way or another. God is using this to make me mature and complete and not lacking in anything.

She then paused and asked any woman who has struggeled with infertility to raise their hands. There were so many of them. I was in shock and awe. I realized then that I tend to see all pregnant women the same, "Oh, it must be so easy for them not to have to deal with what I have to deal with." I never for a moment thought about all of the women who are dealing with the same problems as me. I started crying.

After the conference the speaker announced that they were opening up the prayer room for the infertility letter writer for people to pray over me. I went and have not looked back since.

I had people pray over me. One was 6 months pregnant through IVF with her daughter, another was 14 weeks pregnant also through IVF. Another never could get pregnant, but adopted her beautiful son, and the last women just prayed over me because she felt called to, no other reason.

Every single woman in that room had such beautiful things to say over me, and I had just met them. Another woman had a vision when she prayed over me and asked me to read it when I was alone. I wound up putting her note randomly (or not so randomly) in the section of Luke where Jesus is blessing the children. When I read her note, it said simply, "Your womb is open and Motherhood will happen in God's time. Don't give up ... persevere!" Needless to say it made me cry the happiest tears of my life.

I got home and told Matt about everything. About how I want to go on a break. About how I felt that we needed to attend this church the next day to see if this is where we needed to be since we didn't have a church home in Atlanta.

We went to service on Sunday and imagine my surprise when the Associate Pastor got up to speak and his sermon was over Sarah (who had fertility issues), Abraham, and Issac their son. I looked at Matt and said that we were at our church home for the time being.

Since all of this has happened I have met a variety of people who are going through the same type of things I am or considering going through and the only thing I can say is that God is bringing me these people for a reason.

This is why I am choosing to be joyful always.

Being Joyful Always (Part 1)

2011-12-02T17:02:00.000-08:00

A few years ago I had a break through with my faith and after that I decided to jump into the world of fasting. I wasn't fasting for Lent or anything like that. I was fasting because I needed (and still need) some answers to questions I have in my life.

My break through happened when I attended a conference with a friend of mine at a new church. The conference was over how to be more than just good Bible study girls. The very first day the speaker was talking about the following scripture:

1st Thessalonians 5: 16-18
Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Why should I be thankful for everything that has been going on in my life? Losing a baby, not being able to get pregnant since then, being overweight, etc. It wasn't until I read it again that I saw that it said, "give thanks in all circumstance ..." and took notice of that.

The next scripture the speaker talked about was:

James 1: 2-3
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

This one got to me. My faith had at this point been anything but strong. I believed, but I was also the one in church who would say the saving prayer every week because I didn't feel a change coming over me.

The speaker then said that there are reasons why people go through trials. God is trying to do one of the following:

Protect me
Provide for me
Prepare me for a process of growing

I went home in tears and Matt couldn't understand why. I told him I was just so tired. We at this point had been actively TTC since April 2008 when he got home from Iraq. We had a little ray of hope from January - March 2009 when we found out we were pregnant but it wound up being an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured and destoyed my fallopian tube.

April 2008 to February 2010 ... 23 months.

23 months of a temping and charting. 23 months of POAS every single day for the CBEFM and for OPKs. 23 months of a BFN every single time. 23 months of heartbreaking torture realizing that time is running out. I was 32 at the time after all.

The conference continued the next day as well. I went in and the speaker spoke about several things but the one that stood out the most was about how to re-connect and get closer to God.

She said that the source of whatever you are feeling/desiring/wanting/craving is what you lack in your faith/relationship with God.

That comment hit me like a ton of bricks. What do I want the most in this life, over being healthy and skinnier? Being pregnant. Carrying a child of my own. Being a mother.

This is what I was desiring more than Jesus.

She then said that you must give up what you crave the most. Take up your cross and follow Christ. Deny yourself so you can follow Him more richly and to send up your prayers/praises in advance for God to do our battle for us.

Part 2 to come later ...

Howdy!

2011-12-01T16:37:00.000-08:00

Howdy, howdy!

Here is a little bit about me before I dive into my first real post.

I am 33 and a teacher, well ... currently I am unemployed. I taught for 4 years in Texas but since moving to ~~Manhattan, KS~~ ~~Atlanta, Georgia~~ Columbia, South Carolina and the horrible economy that has been following me around, I have been a ~~substitute, gopher for a horrible job~~ (did I mention that the job was horrible?), ~~Pre-K teacher~~, and now unemployed. You get the picture.

My husband, Matt, is active duty in the United States Army and we have been married for over 5 years now. We have been through several ups and down throughout our relationship including:

- 12 month deployment to Baghdad, Iraq
- PCS to Fort Riley, KS
- 15 month deployment to Baghdad, Iraq
- PCS to Atlanta, GA
- PCS to Columbia, SC where we are currently stationed.

We have been actively trying to get pregnant since he got home from his second deployment in April of 2008. We wound up getting pregnant on Valentine's Day 2009.

On March 31st I wound up having to have emergency surgery when I was diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured and destroyed my left fallopian tube.

Since then, we have seen an RE in Atlanta. My tests came back saying that I have a low egg count for a typical 31 (now 33) year old and that my weight might be playing a huge role in that. I essentially have all of the symptoms of PCOS without actually have polycystic ovaries.

My husband has borderline low sperm count and had a vericocle surgery. There hasn't been any improvements in that area.

With this diagnosis, we were told we would have a:

1-3% of getting prengnant on our own
10-15% of getting pregnant with an medicated IUI cycle
60+% of getting pregnant with IVF

In the summer of 2009 we did a medicated IUI cycle that wound up being a BFN. At this point, I was tipping the scales at 280 pounds. I decided that I didn't want to seek any more treatments until I lost a substantial amount of weight. I have since wasted years not reaching my weight loss goal.

This brings us to where we are now. I want this blog to be about my journey and my stuggles with both mine and my husbands infertility problems and my weight loss. Hopefully, fixing one will benefit the other but if it doesn't, Matt and I are thrilled to say that we will be parents early next year through the wonderful gift of adoption.

I hope that you all will follow along and cheer me on when I need it and give me tough love when I need that as well.

Until next time ...

Inconceivable?

2010-05-26T17:48:00.000-07:00

I have a few great things going for me right now. I really believe that God is working on my heart and soul and getting me ready for something incredible. I will warn you, this will be a long post, but please stay for the end. It will be worth it.

Last Saturday, was the Atlanta 2010 Family Building Conference put on by Resolve. I had originally asked a friend to go with me since Matt didn't want to go since tickets were almost $50 a piece and we are trying to watch what we spend but she couldn't go so I was going solo. I was in the shower that morning and thought to myself, "I am going to feel so awkward if I go to this thing and I am the only person there without my spouse." So I hoped out of the shower and talked to Matt. I told him what I was feeling and he immediately agreed to go with me and do so with a joyful heart (something we have been working on for awhile now).

We get to where the conference was being held and I get all signed in and we are waiting in line for Matt to register and pay. When you get all registered the volunteers gave you about 40 different tickets to drop in boxes for prizes. My ticket number was 58, Matt's was 99. The prizes ranged from CD's to books, yoga sessions, Circle + Bloom, to adoption consultations, and the grand prizes were a free IVF cycle and a free DE cycle. Matt and I spent the next 40 minutes going through our tickets and diligently dropping them off in each box. After that we went and visited several booths that were sat up from the various adoption agencies, fertility clinics, acupuncture clinics, etc. because for every booth that you visited and got a sticker for you could win a $100 Visa card.

We then spent an amazing day and afternoon attending different seminars. We went to seminars about domestic infant adoption, male factor infertility, PCOS, and diminished ovarian reserve, as well as others.

At the end of the seminars everyone went to see what prizes they had won. I went up to a table and the lady asked me what my numbers were. I told her my number first (I won a free fertility yoga session and a CD by Julia Indichova, author of Inconceivable. I then gave her Matt's number (99) and with his tickets we won the OV Watch and Circle + Bloom. I was so stinking excited because those were two items that I really wanted but couldn't justify spending money on them when we need to be watching our pennies. I finally felt like God really does want us on this path to becoming parents to our own biological children. I was so happy!

I ran up to Kate, who is my Resolve support group leader and also did all of the hard work to put together this event and was showing her all of our loot. As we were taking our seat for the final panel I jokingly turned to Kate and said, "That free IVF? It's ours, we have it in the bag!" and we all had a good laugh about it.

Fast forward an hour later, the parent panel is done and they are drawing for the big prizes now and you had to be present to win. The first prize is the $100 Visa gift card and when they drew the ticket out, it was 5 numbers shy from my ticket. That person wasn't there. The next number they drew out was 1 number off from mine. I turned and looked at Matt and he said, "It's ok. We're here for the big guns. We want the free IVF cycle!" I probably just nodded my head and went back to people watching and facebooking.

It was now time for them to give out the free IVF cycle and the next thing I knew, Matt jumped up and yelled "Hooah!" - he is in the Army - and rushed the stage. All the people at my table turned to me and congratulated me. It was then that I actually look up and see Matt bringing me a gift certificate worth over $13,000. He dropped down on one knee and whispered in my ear, "See, Sweetie ... God does want us to have kids. He has never forgotten us."

As I held the certificate in my hands I started to think about all of the things that had to come into place for that to happen. First, my friend couldn't go. Then I had to ask Matt at the last minute to go because God put it on my heart to ask him. We even stood in the wrong line initially to get Matt registered and one lady told us to go back to the end of the now long line when another lady told her to just register us now because had been waiting there the whole time. I mean, just thinking about it puts this flutter in my heart. So many things at work just to get us there at that moment in that time.

There you have it. We won a free IVF cycle. I still can't believe it sometimes.

God has something wonderful in store for us. I can feel it.